Preparing for Marriage

What's the difference between cohabitation and marriage? If you look at cohabitation you are sharing mostly everything and doing mostly everything that you would do in a marriage. The only thing a couple doesn't share is that marriage commitment and in most cases finances and money. There are many reasons as to why people co-habit. Some co-habit as a test run to marriage or because it's the next step before marriage. I once had a friend who got an apartment for her and her boyfriend. They had been dating for about 4 years previous to this. After living with him for about 3 months they ended up breaking up. She told me how she found out things she never knew about him. She didn't realize how truly lazy he was and it gave her an insight of how her marriage would be and she didn't want that. She was grateful that they tried living together. My question is that what happens to those couples who don't co-habit? Is there any way for them to know if their marriage will work out without "testing" it out first? I think yes, there are many couples who don't live together before marriage who make it just fine. Everything you can learn about a person while living with them you can learn about without living with them. You can learn that someone is lazy and the way they live their life just by trying to get to know them on a different level.
This brings me to another thing we discussed during our class about proposals and engagements. Why is this an important time in a couple's timeline? It helps them prepare for their marriage and wedding. Engagements are different in many cultures. Some people have engagements that last for 2 months and some have engagements that last for 7 years. Some people spend this time to plan lavish weddings or simple weddings depending on how much money the couple wants to save. Some couples take out loans to pay for that one day. Some couples depend on their parents to pay for the whole wedding. The problem with letting the parents pay for it all is that after that day is over the couple still might rely on the parents to take care of all their financial problems and they lose that opportunity to work through those trials and problems. Some couples go in debt trying to make the day so special and then they don't have any money to start their marriage on. The time of engagement is a great opportunity to talk about this and to talk about they way they want to start their marriage. Some people think that marriage is all marvelous and full of love. Don't get me wrong it is and can be, but it is also a major adjustment for some people. For those people who never co-habit-ed they have never lived with a person of the opposite sex. This can be extremely different to what they are used to. Finally they can share a same bed, but they don't realize that even sharing a bed is a major adjustment. Sharing a bathroom and counter space. Who is supposed to do the dishes? You would expect people to talk about finances and the major things, but while dating do people talk about the minor things like who will do the dishes and things like that. You are combining your life with someone else and even though there is love involved it is always hard to adjust to major life changes like that. It's important to stay patient and to always have an open communication.
The last thing I want to discuss is how kids affect the marriage. To some people this is the greatest blessing in their marriage, and to other people kids bring about stress and stress on the relationship. Once again this is something that the couple should have open communication about. Before even having the baby, discuss who is going to be in the delivery room. Will the spouse be in the room or will the mother and sisters of the mother to be replace the husband. Remember above anything else just think about the relationship between the couple and how even the little things that can affect the relationship. Be aware of ones another feelings and always be considerate to that. Until next week!!

Dating

For many people the word "Dating" usually is spoken before an eye roll, or a heavy sigh. I think a lot of people have struggled in the dating world. Going to BYUI there are certain expectations that we all feel like we have to live up to when trying to date. I think half the problem with dating is that the actual concept and definition of a date has been distorted and confused. I have heard many girls come back from a first date and say "Well we had a good time, but I can't picture myself marrying him!" Why were they thinking about marriage on the first date? Dates are a good way of getting to know each other that don't always have to end a romantic notion. A date is when a guy plans, pays, and they paired off. This is different from when they "hang out". Hanging out eliminates the responsibilities of dating. When we date with the three "P's" it can prepare a couple for marriage and to then turn those three "P's" into preside, provide, and protect. It's also important that while a guy has those responsibilities a girl has the responsibility to be nurturing while dating. A way they can be nurturing is to be considerate of what the boy has planned and to be kind and caring. Treat them like a human being even if you aren't quite interested. Now I do have a problem with people giving the wrong idea. Sometimes me being kind reads to them that I am interested in them because I am just trying to have a conversation with them. This leads me to my next point in dating which is being transparent, clear, honest, and sincere. This is definitely something I could be better in. When they think I am interested, but I am not I need to be clear and sincere with them and let them know how I am feeling. That is how I can be more nurturing.
A very good question was brought up in class asking what should the balance be of a girl asking a guy on a date or making the first move? Of course it's nice when a guy asks the girl out and plans and pays for it. Most guys are honestly scared of rejection or ruining relationships and that stops them from asking out more girls and turning to just hang out. This is why it's nice to have a girl be courageous once in awhile. I actually just had an experience with this. There was a boy I was talking to at the gym and we were having good conversation. I was into him and he was into me. It was time to leave and I was just expecting him to ask for my number but sadly he didn't. I was kinda dissapointed. So I was gutsy, and I sent him a message and put myself out there. Luckily he ended up responding and then asked for my number and asked me on a date. We've been talking and dating ever since. I was grateful that for once I put matters into my own hands.
The last thing I want to cover is the type of love you want to have in your relationship. There are four words under the word love. They are Agape, Eros, Storge, and Philia. Agape is the more charitable kind of love. Eros is the more passion side of love, which sometimes plays into sexual passion. Storge is the love between parent and child. Philia is the brotherly love as in the love you have for a friend. These four types of love are needed, but in my opinion especially Agape, Eros, and Philia in a marriage.
Just remember to all those that are single and struggling to date, the adversary wants dating to be miserable because love and marriage are the ending goals. Stay positive and upbeat. Dating will be hard, but just have patience and one day it will all work out. Until next week!!

Gender

What makes someone who they are? What makes someone male or female? These days we are always tip-toeing around this subject because we don't want to offend anyone. It's also a hard question to ask because our culture and media has made it confusing and the line seems so blurred. There are many different settings in which we have gained an opinion or where we have learned certain things. For an example we learn things from our family setting, school, government, religion, and media. Sometimes the things we learn from these categories agree with one another or they can disagree. This is how topics like gender can get confusing and blurry. This is why when researchers are doing studies they look at small children who haven't really been exposed to the culture. They did find that females are more expressive, passive, and social. Little girls will more likely be involved in cooperative play and little boys will be involved in competitive play. So the research is there that boys and girls are different. We aren't the same and that's okay. Our bodies were built differently with different biological make up. Some people try to fight that, but you can not change your genes. What is so wrong with being a woman or being a man? We should embrace the things that make us different and build on that, instead of trying to be better than the other gender. So why is gender important in a family setting? It is important to have a father and a mother. A male and female. When a father and a mother work together to raise a family it give their children the possibility to grow up in a normal environment. Yes I understand that certain circumstances happen and life gets in the way and that can't always be the case, but if possible a man and a woman is the best case scenario. Men and women help balance each other out. There are qualities that men have that I don't and that is perfectly fine and vise versa. People don't realize that when we use these qualities together we can be as one and equal.
As we are on the subject of gender, it also brings me to the subject of same sex attraction. I will start by saying that first off I do not agree nor support same sex attraction. With that being said I respect that people have their own agency to live their lives how they please and I will treat people with the same respect regardless. This subject has always been another sticky subject that no one wants to discuss. There are many reasons as to believe why someone would have a same sex attraction. There are the normal reasons I hear such as I was born this way. Now I don't quite understand how people are feeling because I myself have never had those feelings, but I know that the culture also has an effect on how people turn out. The way they are raised might also affect that. We talked about various reasons why a person might have a same sex attraction. I know that I can't be the one to judge a person and I'm grateful that I don't have to be the one judging them. Everyone goes through their own struggles and deal with matters differently. That last thing I just want to say is that no matter what everyone was made perfectly. As male or female. There were no mistakes and no mistakes in the reasoning why families are made the way they are. Until next week everyone!!

The influence of Cultures

Hello!!This week we talked a lot about different cultures of the family and how different cultures around the world affect families. An example of a culture in a family is like being financially stable or not. Some people grew up in poverty, raise their kids in poverty, and see their grandchildren struggle with the same thing. The opposite of that culture obviously is that money isn't a problem for any generation. So we were asked to think about things we liked about some of the cultures in our family and things we didn't like. Some people might hate the cultures in their family, but can't find a way to escape them. I don't think anyone wants to live in poverty but breaking that cycle can be so hard if that's all you know! I'll share something that I want to keep and something I want to fix for my own family. Something that I have loved is that my mom was a stay at home mom. Her mom was a stay at home mom. All my sisters are stay at home moms. I eventually want to be a stay at home mom. What can I do now to follow that culture? I have noticed in my dating life that some guys appreciate that desire of mine and some do not agree. I think it has a lot to do with their own personal family cultures. I have noticed that the guys who want me to work and not be a stay at home mom had mothers who worked. They are just following after their own cultures. I think that is a hard part about getting married is that you have to merge different cultures and decide which ones you'll keep and which ones you don't like and decide as a couple to do what is best for your family. 

As I mentioned before another way we think about cultures is thinking about cultures of a country or ethnic group. How do these cultures affect a family? Can these cultures put a strain on families? Do some people feel like their family has to agree with the culture of their surroundings to fit into the community? Does that change the way they initially wanted to raise their children? A lot of questions to think about, but I think in some way the community and culture of the community has a lot of say in how we should raise our families. An easy example is the Mormon culture. Some people might feel as though they will be judged if they disagree with some of the Mormon culture. Another example I look back to is when I served my mission in Thailand and saw the culture their. In Thailand their culture is very cut and clear. Buddhism is the main religion over there and that has take over the culture. So the members had to try to conform to meet the standards of Thailand culture and the Mormon culture. I always had people tell me that it was hard because you couldn't please everyone. I had a lot of parents ask me  how they were supposed to raise their children in both. They didn't want to forget about their roots. It's just little things like this that can put a strain on their family. Raising a family is already hard enough, it is even harder when you have the outside world around you that is trying to push or influence your family in some way. So to families now or future parents, raise your family the way you want to, whether that includes some culture things or not. That is the magical thing about having your own family is that you have the power to follow or not follow. I hope everyone has a good week. Think yourself about the things you want to keep or not. Write them down and figure out how to get there! Until next time!!