Blended Families

Families can come in all different forms. Many families are blended, step families, adopted/foster, and many more. Everyone has the goal to marry their soulmate, have kids, and have the perfect life. Unfortunately life happens and things happen and tragedy may occur. A tragedy that could leave holes in the family, such as a death of a parent/spouse. Divorce can leave a hole in the family as well. Divorce is more and more of a common thing that happens to families. Is it possible for someone to get remarried after such a hole has been created? ABSOLUTELY! Everyone deserves the chance to be happy. I once had a friend who started dating a guy who later told her that he had been married and divorced. They got divorced before they even had kids. My friend struggled to continue to date him, just because he had been married and divorced. This was a really sad situation to me because I believe that everyone deserves to be forgiven of their imperfections and if they are good person than they should receive that compassion. I also understand how that would raise red flags against someone, but it's important to have an open conversation and communication to see if it were possible to work past that. When getting remarried and kids are involved it can always become a little more trickier. In class we talked about how Disney portrays the "step-mom" as the villain. The situation of blending families is already hard enough, but when there is more negative influence than positive it become that much harder. Every family deals with blending their own families differently. Some parents got remarried when the children were very young and it was easier to step in and become the parent figure. For other families they might have teen-agers and this might make the situation even harder to step in and be a parent. So how should people blend their families peacefully? There was great advice given in class that all heavy discipline should be handled by the birth parent. This is mostly because a child might be more willing to listen to their biological parent than their step-parent. The other advice is that the step-parent should act as the fantastic Aunt/Uncle. Now when I first heard this I didn’t know if completely agreed with the step-parent not really doing any disciplinary actions, but they can still be supportive of their spouse and more of a friend to the child. Also to help the blend be a peaceful blend, the parents need to communicate even more so than the biological parents did because they need to be for sure in line with one another as they are trying to blend their families.

In class we also had a very interesting discussion about emotional divorce. This is when the couple is still together and married, but emotionally they are both not invested anymore. They are staying in the relationship for their children. This can also be damaging and leave holes in a family. I knew of a woman who was debating on staying with her husband after he had cheated on her for the sake of her daughters. She didn’t if they would work out, but she wanted her daughters to have a healthy uprising with both parents. I then reminded her that, that won’t be a healthy situation for her daughters to grow up in either and that sometimes divorce is the answer. She was also concerned that no one would want to marry her because she was older with daughters. I try to reassure her that if it came down to her being divorced everything would work out. There are many others that are going through the same situation as her. Marriage makes people happy and everyone wants to have that happiness even if it is for the second time. No matter the family type we all need and strive to fulfill those roles and holes in our lives. I think it would do everyone well to keep that in mind of blended families. They are just like everyone else and even though they may might not be traditional they are still capable of loving and being one big happy family like the rest of us!

To Be A Parent

Why is a parent so important? Being a parent and the topic of parenting has been on my mind lately. No I won't be a parent soon, but I will be eventually and this will be something of great importance in my life. The purpose of parenting to me is to raise children in a way that is beneficial for society. To educate and to nurture them in a way to give them the best circumstances to do so.  As mentioned in our class the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they will live in. Especially as times go on and the world is becoming more of a confusing place, children are going to need the correct standards and morals to grow up with. They will need parents to help them show them between what is right and what is wrong. Parenting doesn't only just benefit the child but the parent as well. For the child a lot of their needs are met through their parent, and for a parent a lot of their needs are met from the child. They both equally need each other and those relationships in their lives. Parents should be one of the child's main source of learning as the parent should always be teaching. Teaching a child responsibility is a huge task, but something beneficial for that child to survive and thrive in this world. In one of my other classes we read an article titled "A Nation of Wimps" by Hara Estroff Marano. In this article she discusses how children have no reprehensibility because their parents over-protect them or save them from any negative incident they might stumble upon. She said "Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children. However well-intentioned, parental hyperconcern and microscrutiny have the net effect of making kids more fragile. That may be why the young are breaking down in record numbers." Children need to have learning experiences and some parents aren't allowing that to happen. Natural consequences can help be one of the best teachers. If a child gets hurt or doesn't like the outcome, hopefully they will understand to change the action that brought upon that consequence. I have heard multiple stories of parents blaming the teacher for their child's bad grade in school, instead of turning to the child and working from there. This tells the child that nothing is ever their fault and when something goes wrong to turn to mommy and daddy to save the day everytime they don't get their way. Marano gave 10 advice points for parents to help avoid raising their child into a fragile wimp. 

1. Never invest more in an outcome than your child does.

2. Allow children of all ages time for free play. It's a natural way to learn regulation, social skills, and cognitive skills.

3. Be reasonable about what is dangerous and what is not. Some risk-taking is healthy.

4. Don't overreact to every bad grade or negative encounter your child has. Sometimes discomfort is the appropriate response to a situation and a stimulus to self-improvement.

5. Don't be too willing to slap a disease label on your child at the first sign of a problem; instead, spend some time helping your child learn how to deal with the problem.

6. Peers are important, but young people also need to spend time socializing with adults in order to know how to be adults.

7. Modify your expectations about child-raising in light of your child's temperament; the same actions don't work with everyone.

8. Recognize that there are many paths to success. Allow your children latitude, even to take a year off before starting college.

9. Don't manipulate the academic system on behalf of your child; it makes kids guilty and doubtful of their own ability.

10. Remember that the goal of child-rearing is to raise an independent adult. Encourage your children to think for themselves, to disagree (respectfully) with authority, even to incur the critical gaze of their peers.

I personally think these are great things to remember while being a parent. A parent has tough choices to make in order to raise an independent person. They have to teach, correct, and discipline. I think when it comes to disciplining it's important to remember to be age appropriate and situation appropriate. I think it's also smart to include your child before hand so they know very well what would happen if they got into trouble. They could even have a say in their consequence and know that they were the ones who did this to themselves. In disciplining it's important to be firm and loving, fair, consistent, and following through. Even after they have messed up we need to learn to trust them or regain that trust if severely broken. 

My parents hold a special place in my heart. They gave me everything and continue to give me all they have. They have done this for all their children. They taught me correct principles and then trusted that I would live those principles without forcing me to do so. They loved me even when I made bad choices and always supported me. I am an independent adult because of the way they raised me. My parents are my best friends and to say I love them is an understatement. I hope one day I will give all that to my own children. Until next week!!  

Fathers and Finance

My father is one of my many role models. There are many reasons why I look up to him and adore him. Let me just take a few more minutes to brag about how great he is. He is selfless and loving. I have never met a more humble man who serves not only his family, but all those around him. He is a very hardworking man. Why is this so important? He instilled qualities and morals in me that no once could have. My mom was obviously a part of raising me, but my father was and is still an important part in my development. There have been studies put out there expressing the importance of having fathers in the home. To some people this might offend them, but this is simply the truth. No matter how hard a single mother, or same sex parents try to raise kids, raising a kid in a home of a father and a mother is the best possible environment for a healthy development. I have always wanted to raise my family after the same manner I was raised. My father went to work at 8am until 5pm. My mother was a stay at home teaching dance class and being the cheerleading coach for the high school. My father works for a company that manufactures farm equipment. My father has always worked so hard to provide for his family so that my mom could stay home and raise her children. Call that old fashioned, but I eventually want the same. I think it's very beneficial to have a stay at home parents to nurture and care for the children. Even though most of the time it's usually the mother that stays home to watch the kids it's still important for the father to have a say and relationship in raising his children. Something that I am so grateful for was when I was in high school and playing sports my parents were so supportive. My dad made it a goal to be done with work at 5 so they he could make it to be basketball games. He also didn't work on Sunday or Saturday so he was able to go to sport events on Saturdays and church on Sunday. My father's job always gave us enough money to afford the things we needed, but not always give us the things we wanted. What is important in this is that he could have worked longer hours and more days, but he choose to sacrifice those things to spend quality time with his family. This always meant a lot to all of us kids. Sure it would have been nice to have nicer things and all the fun things, but looking back at my childhood and being a teenager, those quality hours are what matter most. Money is a huge problem that causes a lot of stress in a lot of families. Some families have too much money and some don't have any money at all. How can having too much money be a problem? I have seen many families not be as close because they have nice things that take place of those personal relationships. I once met a kid my age who was telling me all about his family. We were showing each other pictures of our home towns and houses. He showed me his huge house in Newport, California. He then showed me their family's beach house in Costa Rica that was absolutely huge. I was sitting there thinking that would be so nice to have such nice houses. He then told me that he has never had a good relationship with his father. His father and mother were currently going through a divorce because his father has slept with other women and has been cheating on his mother. His younger brothers are atheist and have completely different beliefs and morals. His family has never been close and the relationship of their family was just sad. I then showed a picture of my house. It is located in a very very small farm town. My neighborhood is in a dumpy part of town. Even though my house is nice and big and surrounded by nice white picket fence it still isn't a huge mansion in a nice area. Before I was feeling sorry for myself, but after hearing his story I realized I had two parents who loved each other very much. Not only do they love each other but they love their children and grandchildren. All of my siblings and I are happy and living a good life. Dealing with the normal struggles and stress that life brings, but having good standards and working through problems in a healthy way. My siblings and I all love each other and are the best of friends. Our family relationship is very good. I realized that money doesn't always mean everything. We are happy and we don't need money to do that, even though sometimes it would help, it's not the most important thing. So once again just think of your goals of your family. If your family does have money how are you letting money affect your family relationship. What are things you could do better to bring your family closer without using money? Until next week!

Communication

What is considered to be communication? Communication can be verbal or non verbal. It can happen face to face or through technology. Words and tones play a big part in communication. Without these miscommunication can happen. I think we have all had times where something was miscommunication because we were texting and couldn't hear the tone in their voice. We then create a problem that shouldn't have been there in the first place. This happens more often than it should. It's important to be transparent when trying to communicate. There are often times someone isn't clear with the signals they are giving off. They say something, but then their tone or body language isn't adding up. It's important to know how to put words, tones, and body language all together to give off the right message so it isn't confusing. This is especially important when it comes to dating, marriage, and family. Life isn't always going to be perfect and not everyone has the same opinions. Even when you are dating or get married, you still love the person you are with, but times will come when you don't always see eye to eye or when you need to have open, clear,  honest conversations. Communication is a huge part in a healthy marriage. It's almost safe to say that when communication stops or isn't transparent anymore problems seem to arise. Being transparent doesn't mean you always have to be negative either. I've had people who thought they were being transparent with me, but in reality they were just being very hurtful. It wasn't a conversation that helped solve anything, it actually made it a lot worse, because by then I was too hurt to do anything. Being transparent is a skill that we all need to work on. Its a way to be honest, but not hurtful. I think sometimes people think they have the right to say whatever they want when they want. Truthfully there are some things that don't even have to be said at all. There are ticky tac things that we are bothered by because we allow it to bother us. For example I had someone pick me apart for the way I brushed my hair. The simplest things and she proceeded to tell me all the small things she hated that I did. So some people need to learn to be transparent, but also tactful. There are also problems with communication when emotions are running high. Sometimes when we are angry we say things, do things, and think things that we normally don't say, do, or think. This can be harmful in an relationship if we are not careful when we are upset. Some people deal with anger and frustration in different ways. It's important to figure out how each person deals with it when you are dating, so that by the time you are married you have a good idea of how to deal with that situation when it appears. Do they need to talk about it right away, or do they need a few seconds to cool down by themselves. Figuring out how to deal with each others emotions can greatly impact you communication and relationship. It's also important to be weary of corrupt communication and conversation. This is important in a family relation and in the home. Corrupt communication can come in forms of gossip, rumor, twisting of the words and other things. It's important to protect our family of these things. Corrupt communication in a marriage can be extremely hurtful because we know our spouse better than anyone else and we know how to also hurt each other better than anyone else. We have to be extremely careful to keep corrupt communication out of our marriages and homes.
The last thing I want to mention is have an open family counsel. This can be beneficial when there is a problem that needs to be addressed. It also gives everyone an opportunity to have an opinion and be involved in the family. Just remember to communicate in a loving way because communication can either make or break a relationship. Until next week!

Dealing with Family Stress

Everyone's family goes through different ups and downs. There is not a single family that lives a perfect life without stress or a crisis. The stress placed on a family might not even be that much stress, but every family at one point or time will go through a hardship. Stress means that there is strain or tension whether that be emotional or physical. Stress is a pretty common thing for an individual and for a family. Is having stress in your life necessary or important?  Imagine a time in your life or your family's life when you had a stressful moment. Now imagine if you wouldn't have experienced that moment. Would your life be better or worse, would you have learned or grown without it? In my family when we go through stressful moments it helps us grow closer together and I can look back at those times and feel grateful that our family went through it together. Something cool I learned was that word crisis in Chinese means danger and opportunity. I found this to be really interesting. When a crisis hits a family there are two pathways they can go down. They can either go down the path of danger. This would mean that they would let the crisis overtake their lives and their relationships. They let it ruin everything they love and have worked for. They let it tear their family apart. Then there is the other part of the word which is opportunity. A crisis can lead to the pathway of opportunity. Depending on how the family handles the crisis they can grow, learn, and change. Actually a crisis demands a change. This can be a blessing in some family's life depending on how they take on the trial. Some people allow the stress to pile up until it becomes too much. That might be an unhealthy way to cope with stress. Everyone copes with stress in different ways. I think that it's an important thing to talk about with your spouse or partner. When you talk about how you're going to cope with a stressful moment, it can help prepare the both of you for when a trial actually happens. If you believe in a God will you remain believing or will you blame God and give up? I think if both spouses are open and honest with each other it will make the time less painful and instead they can lean on one another and their children too. I just want to share a time in my family that was a stressful moment. I was currently serving a mission and for those who don't know a mission for the LDS church costs about 400 dollars a month. My parents were super willing to pay for my mission and help me out. I had only been on my mission for about 2 months when I received an email from my dad telling me about what had happened at his work. My dad had been accused of stealing money from the company. He had been working at that company for 20 plus years as General Manager and was currently trying to buy out the company with my two brothers who worked there. My dad was devastated because didn't see this coming at all, and he looked over everything and believed that he was innocent. The owner demoted him and lowered his pay. This affected our family pretty hard. My brothers quit and were forced to move other jobs for better pay. This actually ended being a blessing for my brothers because they both found better jobs in the end. Unfortunately this was still hard for my dad because he couldn't find another job and money was really tight. They struggled to pay for my mission, but wanted to continue to support me. During this time as a family we really joined together. I could feel the love from every single sibling and I know my mom was really supportive at this time. We still struggle with money, and my dad still has that same job and its a stressful time still for my dad to go to work. Even though it was a difficult time we grew as a family together. We learned how to be happy and work together as a family through hard times. Remember to be happy and stay positive and always remember that stress is a good thing when dealt with it in the right way. Until Next week!!

Intimacy in Marriage

Why is intimacy in marriage so important? There are many reasons why intimacy in marriage is important. Although I am not married I have been able to learn a lot about why this part of marriage is so crucial in the development of a marriage. A very important reason is the fact that intimacy builds trust within a relationship. Participating in intimate relations allows the couple to connect in a very personal and trusting way that should only be done within the bonds of marriage. This reminds me a lot of Adam and Eve and the trust and love that they had for each other, such trust and love comes partially from intimate interaction with each other. Marriage is one of the most important decisions that we can make here upon this earth. As we seek eternal progression finding a spouse to spend eternity with is one of the major steps in this progress. Marriage allows us to be sealed for all time and eternity and allows us to create families which is fulfilling our Heavenly Fathers plan. I am so very grateful to know and be apart of this plan and I look forward to the day when I find a worthy young man that I can spend eternity with and create a family. Unfortunately the world has a different view of marriage and the intimate relations that are set solely for those tied together by marriage. You can see now there are many problems that can arise in a marriage. One of those problems is pornography. Pornography gives a false idea of how sex should be, whether outside or inside marriage. There are many reasons why pornography is damaging to a marriage and one of those reasons is that it's a selfish act. One reason why a person might view pornography is to receive that sexual gratification for themselves. Having a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse requires both of them to be selfless. Males and females were built so differently. If we were all the same it wouldn't require anyone to be selfless. If this was the case martial intimacy wouldn't accomplish much in the terms of building love and trust with one another. Being sexual with someone is a very  vulnerable process. This is also why pornography can hurt a marriage because it ruins that trust that took so long to build up. People could develop insecurities and wondering if they will ever measure up to expectations that are impossible to reach. This is also why its important to have an open communication about sex with your spouse. If you can have an open communication about this you can have an open communication about anything. If someone is uncomfortable or not working you, let your spouse know in a loving way. If you never talk about it, they will never know and they won't know they need to change something. Like I mentioned before men and women are different and what works for your spouse might not work for you.
If being intimate in a marriage is important, why would it be harmful outside of marriage. These connections that are made and the emotions that come with being sexual with someone are really powerful. Some individuals might not be prepared for all of those emotions. It makes it even more complicated when the relationship doesn't have a for sure commitment level as a marriage and it might not be a certain that they will end up together. It's a scary thing to realize that your partner has had those same connections with other partners and so forth. It also turns from a selfless thing to more of a selfish thing and more emotion than a young person can handle.
Once again this is something that is essential to your marriage. Remember to love and be open with your spouse. Until next week.

Preparing for Marriage

What's the difference between cohabitation and marriage? If you look at cohabitation you are sharing mostly everything and doing mostly everything that you would do in a marriage. The only thing a couple doesn't share is that marriage commitment and in most cases finances and money. There are many reasons as to why people co-habit. Some co-habit as a test run to marriage or because it's the next step before marriage. I once had a friend who got an apartment for her and her boyfriend. They had been dating for about 4 years previous to this. After living with him for about 3 months they ended up breaking up. She told me how she found out things she never knew about him. She didn't realize how truly lazy he was and it gave her an insight of how her marriage would be and she didn't want that. She was grateful that they tried living together. My question is that what happens to those couples who don't co-habit? Is there any way for them to know if their marriage will work out without "testing" it out first? I think yes, there are many couples who don't live together before marriage who make it just fine. Everything you can learn about a person while living with them you can learn about without living with them. You can learn that someone is lazy and the way they live their life just by trying to get to know them on a different level.
This brings me to another thing we discussed during our class about proposals and engagements. Why is this an important time in a couple's timeline? It helps them prepare for their marriage and wedding. Engagements are different in many cultures. Some people have engagements that last for 2 months and some have engagements that last for 7 years. Some people spend this time to plan lavish weddings or simple weddings depending on how much money the couple wants to save. Some couples take out loans to pay for that one day. Some couples depend on their parents to pay for the whole wedding. The problem with letting the parents pay for it all is that after that day is over the couple still might rely on the parents to take care of all their financial problems and they lose that opportunity to work through those trials and problems. Some couples go in debt trying to make the day so special and then they don't have any money to start their marriage on. The time of engagement is a great opportunity to talk about this and to talk about they way they want to start their marriage. Some people think that marriage is all marvelous and full of love. Don't get me wrong it is and can be, but it is also a major adjustment for some people. For those people who never co-habit-ed they have never lived with a person of the opposite sex. This can be extremely different to what they are used to. Finally they can share a same bed, but they don't realize that even sharing a bed is a major adjustment. Sharing a bathroom and counter space. Who is supposed to do the dishes? You would expect people to talk about finances and the major things, but while dating do people talk about the minor things like who will do the dishes and things like that. You are combining your life with someone else and even though there is love involved it is always hard to adjust to major life changes like that. It's important to stay patient and to always have an open communication.
The last thing I want to discuss is how kids affect the marriage. To some people this is the greatest blessing in their marriage, and to other people kids bring about stress and stress on the relationship. Once again this is something that the couple should have open communication about. Before even having the baby, discuss who is going to be in the delivery room. Will the spouse be in the room or will the mother and sisters of the mother to be replace the husband. Remember above anything else just think about the relationship between the couple and how even the little things that can affect the relationship. Be aware of ones another feelings and always be considerate to that. Until next week!!